Am I stupid, or what?!

The other day, we (son and I) rented some movies. I've heard good things about the The Bucket List, so I thought I'd rent it, among others. Knowing full well what it was about, I hesitated, but I figured M wouldn't want to watch it, so I thought I'd watch it while he was doing other things. Well, it came time to watch, and M was all rarin' to go and watch it with me! I thought to myself, "egads, I hope most of this goes over his head". (that was the stupid part)

Everything was fine, until almost the very end, and I started tearing up. M asks, "Mom, are you crying?" "A little bit, yes", I replied. "So am I! I really miss Grandma!" Crap! :( All I could do was try to console him with the reminder that she was fortunate enough not to have to go through what these men portrayed in the movie went through.

She had the motto of "I'm gonna live till I die", and that's exactly what she did! She never had to lay there, in a bed, suffering in pain, or puking her guts out. In fact, she insisted that she never really had much pain--nothing a heating pad and some Tylenol didn't offset, anyway. Sure, she did one series of chemo, and had slight side effects from it, but nothing like some of the people I knew that had terminal cancer. The day before she died, she was ready to go to the casino to celebrate her birthday. She almost made it. :(

I knew, deep down, that it was close. I'd seen her a couple of weekends previous, and talked with her on the phone often. Little comments that she made clued me in. But, it was still a shock to get that phone call from my aunt, who found her...the one that was picking her up to go to celebrate her birthday that day. Especially, since I'd only talked with Mom the morning before, and she sounded good. Everyone that saw her that afternoon commented about how good she looked, and what a great attitude she had. I'm just sad that she died all alone. But, then again, she went the way she wanted to...she lived till she died. And, I have to accept that.

It's been a pretty crappy summer for me, all around. The first part of May, my best friend's husband called to tell me that his wife was just diagnosed with terminal Adrenal Cancer. We buried her July 5th. I was able to see her a few times, and I was able to say good-by to her. That helped, but it still didn't make it any easier to let her go. :(

My mom was diagnosed with metastasized Pancreatic Cancer, around June 1st. Three days after we heard the final prognosis on her (in mid-June), my Mom called to inform me that her baby sister had just been diagnosed with metastasized Lung Cancer. She's the one that's going through hell now. :( They're doing everything they can to slow down the progress, and she's hanging in there, but I don't think it will be long before I get THAT phone call, either. It's spread too far, and in too many places to be curable, anymore. I just hope and pray she can hang in there for as long as she can. That family needs a break. :(